Tuesday, May 6
1pm Borussia Dortmund vs VfB Stuttgart Germany Bundesliga

Wednesday, May 7
1pm Bayern Munich vs Arminia Bielefeld Germany Bundesliga
2pm Lyon vs Sedan *French Cup Other

Thursday May 8 2008
6:30PM Chicago Fires vs DC United

Saturday, May 10
7:30pm Houston Dynamo vs Colorado Rapids MLS
8:00pm Real Salt Lake vs FC Dallas MLS
9:00pm San Jose vs Columbus MLS
9:30pm LA Galaxy vs New York Red Bulls MLS

Sunday, May 11
9:00am Sunderland vs Arsenal P2P England Premier League
9:00am Chelsea vs Bolton England Premier League
9:00am Wigan vs Man Utd England Premier League
11:00am Portsmouth vs Fulham Delayed England Premier League
11:00am Tottenham vs Liverpool Delayed England Premier League
12:45pm Birmingham vs Blackburn Delayed England Premier League
1:00pm Everton vs Newcastle Delayed England Premier League
2:00pm Chivas USA vs New England MLS-Telefutura channel
2:30pm West Ham vs Aston Villa Delayed England Premier League

Der Ecke von Kirk
Guten Tag, mein spaetzels!

Last week was full of manic highs and lows for the fußball faithful; the 4:1 Sunday shedding of last year's Bundesliga champs Stuttgart by this year's probable champs Bayern Munich, the joy of seeing Manchester United lose (in the Premiership), the despair of seeing Chelsea win (in the Champions League) and the anticipation of the Premiership chase that has also turned into the thrill of the Champions League final (let's hope that that's the last we'll see of those Zoloft-yellow Chelsea kits, please). Oh, and the ascension of Bayern Munich to their now assured 20th? 21st? Bundesliga title with a win or draw Sunday.
But first let us turn to a curious event in the life of soccer star Ronaldo, and his alleged consorting with transvestite prostitutes. Not Cristiano Ronaldo, the Man Utd star, who is already pretty close to being a passable transsexual, but Ronaldo the AC Milan and Brasilian NT fixture:
Ronaldo claims bribery by transvestite hooker
Police are investigating claims by AC Milan striker Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel.
Police inspector Carlos Augusto Nogueira said that Ronaldo, who is recuperating from a knee injury in his homeland, contracted the services of three transvestites - believing them to be women - and took them to a motel.
However, Ronaldo is then said to have tried to get out of the situation after one of the men went in search of drugs.
Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US 600), but Ronaldo has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US 30,000) and threatened to post a video on the internet if he was not paid.

Nogueira said that Ronaldo had not committed any crimes by contracting the men, but he is looking into other claims.
'He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,' Nogueira said. 'There is no crime at all.'
He added: 'He (Ronaldo) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this.
'Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.'
What, the injury to his wang when he tried to put it in somewhere that is not conducive to unassisted entry? Or the injury to his psyche when he was like "Damn, these are some hot bitches! They're dudes?"
Apparently prostitution is legal in Brazil and transvestites are easier to find than in Milwaukee (book your trips now). I decided to ask some Highbury regulars their reactions to this incident. Their identities have been disguised to protect their reputations, due to their standing in the community*:
"So, what do you think about the report that Ronaldo picked up three transvestite prostitutes and brought them back to his hotel room?"
Craig X., bartender: "I thought it was every man's fantasy to be with three transvestites at once. It's not? Wait, don't print this. You know I'm all man, right?"
Jorginhõ X., UPS guy, Bluesfan and bandwagon climber:
"Transsexuals? That's f*cking disgusting! Wait, they're transvestites? That's okay, I mean that's normal. Remember, I'm Brazilian."
Wilson X., Goddamn College Kid, Gooner:
"Okay, if you gotta pay for tranny sex, you're doing something wrong. I have yet to pay for it. Well, sometimes it hurts to sit down..."
Wes X. Copy Store Dude, Red Devil:
"I thought I might have been with a transvestite once, but turned out she just had a big clitoris. It was like seven inches long. Boy, did she LOVE anal."
Tori X., dental assistant, Bayernfan:
"I'm not surprised. You soccer jerks wouldn't know a real woman if she felt you up at the bar and then dragged you into the bathroom for a quickie and gave you her phone number and then you never called. Jackasses."
* ed. Note: apologies to The Onion
In bizarre other (hopefully) non-transvestite hookup news, the author had the dubious fortune to met a young woman last Saturday and, thanks to a remarkable convergance of events that could only be called harmonic, got to make out like the player he is. Here is a recollection of that chain of events.
First, Katz's Kourteous Karside alKohol Kontainer Service permitted the author and his stunningly attractive lady friend to drink mimosas and beer in her minivan like we were at an A&W (would it kill you to put on rollerskates, Joe?); next, FC Kaiserslautern Sascha's remarkable ability to deplete the Highbury's stock of Barenjaeger provided the necessary social – just social -lubrication; and finally, the encouragement of nosy and horny bar patrons allowed me, for the third or fourth time ever, to make out with a woman in a minivan surrounded by dumpsters. Wedding announcements to follow, tentative reception at Bay View Diner (presently closed for decontaminating I mean remodeling).
Seriously, Joe Katz reported that the Highbury faithful went through 2½ bottles of Barenjaeger on Saturday. Jesu Cristo. Much of that depletion is due to the generosity of 1FCK fan and Authentic German Sascha, a compatriot of Angry Jeff, as he continued to buy the bar round after round, denying all efforts to save his wallet – the Euro really does go farther in the U.S.! Mucho gracias for your reverse Marshall Plan. Keep it up, I'm looking in pay phones for spare change.
This weekend's B'liga matches:
Saturday
0830 Schalke 04 x Hannover 96
1030 VfB Stuttgart x Eintracht Frankfurt
Sunday
1000 Wolfsburgo x FC Bayern Munich

BE HERE
Once again there are some weekend island matches of interest, Man Utd v. West Ham – the long-awaited showdown between Wes and Jason!
Congratulations to Manchester United and Chelsea for advancing to the Champions League final in Moscow! Who would have thought that either team would make it this far? It just goes to show that money isn't everything. Thanks to Craig Marsch for explaining the difference between orange juice and pineapple juice!
Next week: my test results! Keep your fingers crossed. Seriously, nothing happened. Well, we got free subs from PJ's 'cause I'm so smooth…